The Start

I just got back from my child's Christmas concert with my family. I had one friend's husband on one side of me and another husband on the other. I don't really know how it ended up like that. Their two wives and my husband were sitting two roles in front of us. We were at the back of the gym so these two guys and I were standing. One of them, (I'll call him Tom) Tom was standing so close, it was all I could think about. Even now as I type, I have a knot in my stomach, I'm shaky and I have to remember to breath.

Tom and I have a different history. I was waiting out front of the school one day for my child as were 15 or so other parents, when Tom simply walked up to me and started a conversation. I remember that moment so clearly because he made me feel so sexy and desirable. I had met him before but would never have approached him, he was just another face in the crowd. Tom took me by surprise, maybe he saw a sad person who needed to be cheered up. Maybe his child expressed interest in a play date with my child so he was simply following through with that. But maybe (and this is the one I like the best) he wanted to get to know me! I know we're both married and I think his wife is wonderful but I feel like I'll die if I don't have something more than being a wife and a Mother and when Tom and I became friends I felt like there was more for me. When I think of him I feel alive, I can't have him but I can get a rush when he passes me a camera and our hands touch.

I don't believe I'm alone in this. There must be more people like me who have entire realities just under the surface. I believe he truly feels the same way, that we're both completely aware of how intense this really is, I see it when he looks down at me. Most times when you look at someone you see them but when I look at Tom, I see everything! I see that he has been waiting all day to lock his eyes in mine. He told me in those two seconds that he knows I waited all day for the same thing. I really see who he is and he's telling me he sees me too.

I believe there are people like me, people that know right from wrong and who follow the rules. I don't cross the line and I know Tom never would either. I love my husband and would never want to hurt him, he is the other half of me. My husband and I are best friends. He is the person who I share my life with. It hurts to have a part of my life hidden from him but I need to feel this. The rush I get with Tom has me in tears when I am alone. I believed I would never again feel the rush I get when Tom walks with me. My husband is my best friend, the one I tell everything to. I know my happiness is important to him (As is his to me) so I wish I could share this thrill with him. I'm not a bad person, I don't even believe I'm a bad wife, I just have this one thing that makes me happy, this one innocent thing to remind myself I am more than a wife and a Mother, I am someone else's rush.

I started this blog for two reasons, 1. So I can record this part of my life and 2. So I can tell someone about it.
Thanks
RMH