Almost

My life is full of (almost)s, when I was in college I was in love with Someone,(Dave) he was living with a girl and they were famous for it. Everyone knew her and although many of us saw her as a negative force on him, we all knew not to say anything. I remember everything about him and I. We were really close, we worked together at the school until the middle of the night every night. Every morning he would come to my house, and make coffee while I got ready, then we'd walk to school together. I knew she didn't approve of the closeness he and I had but I never really knew how much she knew. Now remember I was young and in love, I say this because thinking back, we were quite silly.

There were many "tickle fights" yes it is embarrassing but its true. I remember him trying to tickle me while I was driving and my reaction was to lean into him, any excuse to be close. We had one of our tickle fights one time at my place where we both ended up on the couch, I was laying on top of him and we were holding each others hands. The lead up to this was we were in a stale Mate. I remember laying on top of him with my head on his chest. The beating of his heart was so intense, I was trying not to cry. This was what I wanted more then anything, was to stay in that moment. I remember thinking, "this is soooo much more then a tickle stale mate". I even recall him moving his fingers up and down mine. I froze, I was so afraid he would get up, that it would be over, I don't remember getting up, I even think we may have dozed off a little. What I remember most is thinking, "If I lifted my head, looked into his eyes and went to kiss him, would he kiss me back?" Looking back, I'm not sure I really knew the answer. Now I see that laying on a guy on a couch while he's gently moving his finger up and down one of your own, is without a doubt something "Just Friends" don't do. I wanted him more then I wanted to breath, but if I tried to kiss him and he turned away, I'd lose him even as a friend. I think there was also the fact he had a girlfriend. I was so in love with him, I didn't want to just kiss him, I wanted him! I loved him, I wanted to be with him, I wanted everyone to know we were in love, I wanted a life with him, one I couldn't start while he was with another person.

There were other moments like that but the only other one I need to type is the morning everything changed. As I said before, he came to my house in the mornings and made us coffee while I got ready, this particular day I was running late. I let him in and went to shower, after running in a towel to my bedroom and getting dressed I came out to get my coffee. Somehow another tickle fight started, it went from the couch to the floor. He had me pinned on my stomach with my hands behind my back. He undid my bra from behind and rolled me over. My hair was still wet so as I was turned over it was across my face, I remember he brushed my hair off my face and was looking down at me. I couldn't breath, he slowly brought his hand up, extended his index finger and quietly whispered "Lip" as he gently placed his finger on my lower lip. That was the moment, the moment I'll never forgive myself for. I think about it all the time, it hurts so much I cry because I loved him so much, I wanted him so much but when I was in that moment, I couldn't do it. I rolled over laughing like it was still a tickle fight.

10 years, a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful children later, I still regret not kissing him in that moment. I just want to know what it would have been like. Why didn't I do it. I wish I had kissed him.

After that day I decided I was in too deep. I put in for an internship as far away as I could get. Soon after I was across the country, trying to get over him so that when I returned in 2 months I could move on. 2 weeks before I went back I met my Husband. I fell in love with him and we've built a life together. If it wasn't for Dave, I'd never have gone so far away, I wouldn't have the life I'm so thankful to have. I don't wish I had changed my path, I just long to know what it would have felt like to be kissed by him.

Years later a common friend of ours told me Dave confessed that we had something special. I was so mad, he never shared that with me! For years I questioned what he was thinking that day. I always wanted to talk to him about it and although Dave and I now live in the same city and our families have spent time together, I'll never be able to talk to him about this. I think I'm afraid he'll tell me he was going to leave his girl for me (After I moved away they did break up) or that he really wanted to kiss me that day. The worst thing he could say is that he doesn't remember any of it. So since every possibility is one that will hurt, I'll never talk to him about it.

That's what I have a blog for...

The Start

I just got back from my child's Christmas concert with my family. I had one friend's husband on one side of me and another husband on the other. I don't really know how it ended up like that. Their two wives and my husband were sitting two roles in front of us. We were at the back of the gym so these two guys and I were standing. One of them, (I'll call him Tom) Tom was standing so close, it was all I could think about. Even now as I type, I have a knot in my stomach, I'm shaky and I have to remember to breath.

Tom and I have a different history. I was waiting out front of the school one day for my child as were 15 or so other parents, when Tom simply walked up to me and started a conversation. I remember that moment so clearly because he made me feel so sexy and desirable. I had met him before but would never have approached him, he was just another face in the crowd. Tom took me by surprise, maybe he saw a sad person who needed to be cheered up. Maybe his child expressed interest in a play date with my child so he was simply following through with that. But maybe (and this is the one I like the best) he wanted to get to know me! I know we're both married and I think his wife is wonderful but I feel like I'll die if I don't have something more than being a wife and a Mother and when Tom and I became friends I felt like there was more for me. When I think of him I feel alive, I can't have him but I can get a rush when he passes me a camera and our hands touch.

I don't believe I'm alone in this. There must be more people like me who have entire realities just under the surface. I believe he truly feels the same way, that we're both completely aware of how intense this really is, I see it when he looks down at me. Most times when you look at someone you see them but when I look at Tom, I see everything! I see that he has been waiting all day to lock his eyes in mine. He told me in those two seconds that he knows I waited all day for the same thing. I really see who he is and he's telling me he sees me too.

I believe there are people like me, people that know right from wrong and who follow the rules. I don't cross the line and I know Tom never would either. I love my husband and would never want to hurt him, he is the other half of me. My husband and I are best friends. He is the person who I share my life with. It hurts to have a part of my life hidden from him but I need to feel this. The rush I get with Tom has me in tears when I am alone. I believed I would never again feel the rush I get when Tom walks with me. My husband is my best friend, the one I tell everything to. I know my happiness is important to him (As is his to me) so I wish I could share this thrill with him. I'm not a bad person, I don't even believe I'm a bad wife, I just have this one thing that makes me happy, this one innocent thing to remind myself I am more than a wife and a Mother, I am someone else's rush.

I started this blog for two reasons, 1. So I can record this part of my life and 2. So I can tell someone about it.
Thanks
RMH